We’ve all felt it, the death of an intimate relationship, a viewpoint that you held for someone and what you thought you had together. It’s a pain that shifts from an inexplicable heaviness on your chest the eyes cannot see to the empty voids of a never-ending abyss no man nor machine dare travel. Yet there you sit, in the surreal matrix of your grief, desperate to see the light. Maybe your matrix looks like this, heavily focused on your career because you know there’s no one at home. Physically there is, but your person has emotionally checked out a long time ago. Trapped in a dysfunctional relationship of toxic avoidance to set both of you free, refusing to close the hemorrhaging cycle of lack and aloneness. Reliving the death of what you once had as if it’s Groundhog Day every evening at six. Maybe they left you, maybe they left you for someone else and left you waking each morning with the burden of moving on. Living in a matrix where all you see is everyone’s happiness but your own, everyone’s fulfillment but your own. A matrix where brushing your teeth to go to work is part of the façade of acting as if you care about something. A world where sending your kids off to school and wishing them a great day is backed by the vacancy of your barren heart. Is there life after a devastating breakup and how in the hell do you recover?
Yes, yes and yes! Anyone who knows me knows I have been a repeat offender in the relationship game. There are three critical lessons in life that I have learned and these principles have heavy application in the area of relationships. I would even go as far as to say you cannot fully heal if you are not incorporating these concepts which I hold as fundamental truths.
- Gratitude in the lesson. I know the average person would much rather prefer to embrace the feelings of a victim, point the finger, and blame. Unfortunately, that also comes with attaching to the energy of crippling disempowerment. Regardless of the experience, there is always a lesson to be learned. A young child putting their hand on a hot stove learns the stove can burn. Painful, yes, but often it’s the significance of pain that motivates us to stop and pay attention to avoid a recurrence in the future. Take the time to objectively see what insights you gained, however painful, and energetically thank him/her for delivering such a profound message. Take the lesson and add it to your toolbox of wisdom.
- Release that which does serve so you can allow the new in. As a fervent believer in the “Law of Attraction”, my knee-jerk reaction is a desire to educate you on the topic and warn you against drawing in more pain through your mere refusal to let go of your own. However, rather than convince you of that belief system, let us use common sense. Stop intoxicating yourself with your own debilitating poison. What’s worse is having any contempt for someone; that’s no different than drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. LET GO, release them and all the negative emotions around them to allow new opportunities, experiences, and people to enter.
- Reframe your experience so you can adjust your lens of the situation. I know, what in the hell does that mean and as if the other concepts weren’t abstract enough. If you have ever been betrayed, lied to, or cheated on, start with this one because you cannot grieve over a person who is not real or a relationship built on an illusion. Still confused? Let me ask you this, who is “your” person? Are they loving, kind, and desire to commit to you? Does their heart yearn for your love and affection, do they put forth the effort to be with you, make you happy, etc? At the point that someone treats you less than you deserve, less than how “your person” would treat you, then my friend this is a case of mistaken identity. You have made a mistake! You thought they were your person, consequently, you expected them to behave as such, so when they didn’t you were sad. However, they are not your person. ATTENTION Walmart shoppers, there’s a clean-up needed in aisle 6 because for a second Becky was heartbroken over someone who doesn’t exist. It’s like asking someone to grieve over their dog dying but they don’t have a dog. What I’m saying is don’t be sad about losing a relationship that wasn’t real. He or she wasn’t your person, you haven’t lost anything. You fell in love with who you thought they were, but the truth is that’s not who they are. Ask yourself, if you knew what they were capable of, who they are, would you have ever wanted them?
The depth in which I could expound on these three practices and several others is easily a course of its own. Adopting these principles, while easier said than done, will speed up your healing which will ultimately align you for the person and relationship you deserve. Recovering from heartache over a broken relationship is not the easiest task but there is a path. I challenge you to travel the road less traveled, where the dark night awaits your arrival to face the depth of pain only your soul knows. All for the chance to make your final destination to emotional fulfillment with someone who will love, desire, value, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. My children asked me, how can you be so optimistic about love after being hurt so many times? Easy, I choose love and light. I believe the power of love to be the antidote for a world full of pain. Behind every chipped shoulder, every prideful ego, every cold heart, lies a soul waiting to be remembered for the light it once was. That light can be reignited through the tenderness yet humble force only genuine love can manifest. My message to my children is no different than my message to you, lead with love and leave with love.
